The me-show

I don't like depictions of "ego" or "the self" as enemy, because it just continues to reinforce a sense of duality that is at the heart of the (potential) problem anyway. That being said, I am still amazed at myself. I had an idea to do something REALLY nice for someone else. But then after all my planning and starting out to do it, I realized there was a problem and I wouldn't be able to do the nice thing after all. And I was upset. Upset that I wouldn't get that good feeling from seeing the reaction of the person who I supposedly was going to do the favor for. It will still about me. Just like those who burden the dying because the grievers are concerned about how losing the person will make them feel, how it will affect their lives. And then I sometimes look back on the virtuous decisions I've made over my life. No drinking, no drugs, no womanizing, no cheating/dishonest shortcuts, no physical violence/fighting, etc. I agree with most of these decisions all them time, and all of these decisions most of the time. Especially the substance issues and the violence. But I realize sometimes I did/didn't do things because of some sense of getting "credit" for my troubles. The idea that my choices will become more and more anonymous and only count of its own virtue sometimes causes a tinge of regret. And when that summons a sense of regret, I know again it was all about satisfying me, even when I was denying myself satisfaction. No wonder my spiritual journey has been so fruitless. Line up to throw stones and tomatoes here.