Holiday evening reflections (or, On being untethered in a mundane world)

The end of May draws near and in the United States it is unofficially now summer.

My job for the last nearly six years has been... uhh... well, to describe how unusual and stressful and frustrating it can be would require actual examples that no one would believe. It's not all bad, but the unbelievable and vexing parts are made worse by how unnecessary they are. So having a three day weekend is really valuable.

I would have posted something hear last week but my attention was grabbed by another mass shooting at a school in America. Once again the same well-funded political movement is blocking any meaningful changes to save lives by idolizing guns and gun violence. Once again there is a chance to put momentum into calls for reforms.

Whether heart-rending tragedies or the banal vagaries of every day life, many people have some form of reframing or re-contextualizing their experience of the world, either to try to make sense of or accept what transpires or generate and sustain motivation for change. While some will quibble over the use of spiritual as inadequate to label all such transformations in perspective, many such transformative experiences share common events such as being moved by natural beauty or music or other inspiring stimuli. Or by having one's mortality brought sharply into view for some reason.

In my last entry I referenced themes of health and wellness connected to our circumstances and how any type of spirituality, whatever its form, needs to be able to address everyday concerns as well as existential ones. The writing could use some revision but it was a quick lunchtime musing so it is a little untidy and lacking a bit in focus.

Nonetheless, it does lead to this: I never have been able to really get into or stick with any religion, sacred tradition, or anything more than an intellectual yet generic spiritual framework. As I've no doubt shared here before, I don't perceive the world around me as full of wonder and mystery and potential. It offers no sense of hidden truths or unseen depths. It's just flat. Mundane.

To use other language, no sense of the numinous. A super low score on the M-scale. A world without a soul. Neither empty nor full. Neither hot nor cold.

I like parts of Christian monasticism and a lot of the Westernized translations of Buddhism and so on, but commitment is hard when the mystique and newness wear off. I can appreciate the wisdom regarding the human condition but it's hard to not wander off and let whatever practice I had picked up lapse as there is little or no personal connection.

Some people may wonder what that means for dealing with everyday life or horrible catastrophes, but it's just like everyone else I guess only without turning to a liturgy or prayer or whatever. I guess we are all used to what we know? We all have our own ways of filtering and processing our experiences.

Sometimes I use spiritual language and gestures anyway because they are a form of expression even if you don't feel a deep belief or faith in the literal meaning of the gesture or expression, because why not? It's part of our shared human heritage. I don't mean any disrespect to those who idolize such religious forms, especially ones I have a personal connection to.

In addition to general curiosity and intellectual curiosity, I think some spiritual things interest me because they often have to do with meaning, direction, connection, and so one. One reason that has grabbed my attention from time to time is because I do not "dream" (in the sense of having big ambitions), nor do I have major hopes or aspirations. To be brief, those experiences along with relatives such as joy aren't really a part of my live experience, at least not since perhaps when I was a small child.

Many religious people will read the above and proscribe any number of religious actions such as various forms of prayer, meditation, and so on. Trust me when I say that I've been there and done that. I get why, because of the assumptions embedded in their beliefs, why they think and react that way. But to me, it is backward. If you experience the world as flat and ordinary and don't have affective aspirations then telling someone to pray is like recommending a painting to someone who is completely blind.

Yes, the familiarity and rhythm of some prayers and other ritualistic actions can be comforting and have other positive effects, and meditation can help people center their minds and regulate aspects of their bodily functions. Absolutely. And these things can with the proper context be very helpful. Yet the other potential effects are muted or absent if you don't have the capacity to detect or process them or their signifiers.

It is interesting (to me) to contemplate what some of these things would look or feel like if whatever it is about me that limits my sense of wonder, ambition, hope, etc. was altered. Would I be more likely to believe some religious stories, or just to appreciate them better for what they might inspire? Same for practices like meditation and so on. Yet, I can also appreciate that I have my own perspective even it is dissimilar from what others claim to experience.

My only concern would be whether my perspective is just the way I am or whether it is something that came about due to some part of me shutting down at some point as a response to some set of conditions I encountered. I mean whether it's genetics-brain structure or whether it's some defense mechanism gone wrong, in the end its a difference in people's basic psychology. Would be interesting to see studies and correlations about this with decades of comparisons.

Anyway, enough ramble-musing for tonight.

A beautiful, sunny with blue skies and fluffy white clouds set of days off that were warm but not hot and humid with gentle breezes have ended and night has fallen and my soul-sucking job is looming just past whatever time I decide to go to bed.

Have a great week.