Being at odds with your own optimism

Are you an optimist? Do you wish you were? Some people may not realize they are optimists deep down because of the popular image associated with such folks. A cheery disposition, full of energy, so saccharine sweet and perky and ready to face life. It's not nice to say, but sometimes those kinds of people really get on my nerves. I have tried being a pessimistic realist, and even a kind of half-glass "whatever!" type. But something else has occurred to me - a possibility I hadn't really considered. I might just be a closet optimist. No, no, not the bouncing out of bed for the joy of a new dawn kind of optimist. And maybe you aren't that kind either. No, you and I may be a different breed altogether. A reluctant optimist. An incredulous optimist. An annoyed optimist who is almost bitter at the bright little sun of hope glowing steadily and surely where your otherwise skeptical and snarky disposition would expect to find a dark hole of despair, or at the very least a somewhat worrying ball of nagging doubt.

It's a pretty neat trick really. Even after passing through the valley of the shadow of nihilistic narcissism, under the worries about daily affairs and other immediate concerns, the future looks so bright you've got to wear sunblock. You can't possibly imagine what there is to make you think that things will work out - maybe you are having trouble with debt, employment, serious relationships, or maybe all of those things at once. Maybe it's worse than that. By all rights, the most likely path seems to be one in which you are almost certain to face material and emotional trials and hardships. Yet your optimism isn't telling you none of these rough times will come to pass, but that it will be OK - it will be OK even as they come to pass and well after they are long gone. You can't just lie down and wait for the end - you can't even shout angry poetry at the absurdity of your own existence. Like it or not, you've got something to hold on to which is pulling you to a deeper and more fulfilling life. Even if you try (consciously or subconciously) shooting yourself in the foot or opting for a life of oblivious shallowness, you find that your self-sabotage and selfishness somehow work to move you back on track with additional insight and greater compassion. Maybe you don't want to believe because you have been disappointed so many times before, yet here you are being filled with hope again.

Man, life is great. Does that suck or what?

Distraction

June is here. The sun is shining, and it's getting warmer outside. And sometimes we all get just a little...

uhhh...

a little...

Deputy fired for filming girls in bikinis

STUART, Fla. - A Martin County sheriff's review board found just cause in the firing of a former deputy who was relieved of duty for using his patrol car's dashboard-mounted camera to film bikini-clad girls at the beach...

Source

...sometimes...we...we...uhhhh...

Clerk says scanty attire was distraction

HAUSER, Ore. - Well, she LOOKED 21 anyway, maybe older, and what's more the clerk at the small store in this Coos County town says he was much distracted by what he called the young lady's scanty attire. So distracted, he said, that he didn't see the "Minor until 2007" stamped on her driver's license. She got the six-pack, and store owner David Cardwell got a $1,320 fine. The clerk had to pay $750...

Source

Sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought.

What a difference a year makes

Of course, it is also just as applicable to say "What a difference a moment makes", but given the cultural standard of reviewing years at this time on the calendar, why not? Besides, many interesting changes have taken place in that time span:

• I (successfully) defended my dissertation
  
• I received my PhD in Anthropology
  
• At the very start of 2005 I began practicing with a Buddhist sangha and went to every weekly meeting except for three (because of obligations to friends or to attend conferences)
  
• I applied to over 20 faculty positions, have had half a dozen interviews (with more hopefully to come), and made the short list for at least one position
  
• I continued teaching as an assistant or adjunct and was offered a chance to teach my own course in the upcoming spring at a local university
  
• I celebrated a seventh wedding anniversary with my wife
  
• I started this blog
  
• I had the chance each day to learn new things, make new choices, and live a unique life made up entirely of moments that have never been seen before and will never happen again
  

Not bad, really.

I think a quote, a favorite of a Nichiren Buddhist friend of mine, just seems like it would really fit here:

Ultimately, all phenomena are contained within one's life, down to the last particle of dust. The nine mountains and the eight seas are encompassed by one's body; the sun, moon and myriad stars are contained within one's mind.

Summer fading to Autumn

A cool chirping breeze
Starlight splashing on the glass
Serenity smiles

I was sitting and ready to type, and I was suddenly aware of the moment. My haiku is admittedly not any better than my other poetry, but it such a nice moment, just sitting there waiting to be appreciated amidst the clutter and rush of the tasks and worries that so often carry me away from reality.

Is it just me, or can crickets make for a really good meditation? I know, I know, with practice all things present an opportunity to cultivate awareness, but still, I like the crickets sometimes.

Mowing the bank

The backyard has a steep bank with stumps and rocks where weeds grow. I went out to trim it yesterday with the "weedeater" using some cheap string, and it lasted all of 5 minutes. It's interesting trying to see my original nature and that of the weeds while I'm scrambling up and down the slope with the growling of the trimmer's engine. It's very hot and humid, and because I missed a week and a half of mowing due to rain, the weeds are very tall and thick. After that I get to take the lawn mower down the hill to mow the flat area, then drag it back up the bank. My conditioned response is to look at getting hot, dehydrated, sweaty, and sore from such activity in a negative way, as something to be dreaded or avoided. At the very least, it's seen as unpleasant, especially considering that the bank won't really look all that great even after the work is done and it has to be repeated week after week until the cool chill of autumn relieves me from such yardwork until the following spring.

And yet, according to what I've studied, there is a lesson in it somewhere. A chance to see past form and formlessness, to see reality as it is. I take it as a sign of my lack of cultivation that while I willing go to do such tasks without complaint, I do not see anything but an unenviable task.

Present and accounted for

84,000 delusions
84,000 lights
84,000 joys abounding
--Saichi

Saturday (yesterday) was spent mowing my lawn (front and back), a neighbor's lawn (for free, front and back), re-edging the flower garden with red brick, picking up garbage left near the yard by neighborhood teenagers, sweeping and mopping the floors, cleaning the toilet, and reviewing the federal tax forms so they can be sent out promptly this week.

It can be very nice to choose to do what needs to be done and work at your own pace, focused on each task at hand, as opposed to feeling forced or rushed and not giving the work your full attention. The day's labor left me a little sore but very content today with something of a sunburn on my face, neck and arms, a little reminder to put on the sunblock next time.

Some yellow lillies have bloomed already and a few more are ready to make their perreniel appearance. Currently the sun is still shining even though it will set soon and I can hear a few new neighbors singing--birds that have nested in the tree near my open window. My rat terriers are chewing on their toys with intense focus.

Although it should be effortless, I find it necessary to frequently remind myself to be fully present each moment. Fully present while mowing. Fully present while gardening. Fully present while cleaning the toilet. Fully present playing with the dogs. Fully present while typing the words of this blog.

In the news people are still talking about the death of Pope John Paul II, the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, anti-Japanese protests in China, the ongoing ethics problems of Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, Republican from Texas and Majority Leader. Not as much news about warnings over the potential for mass extinctions of primate species, or about the continuing human crisis in Sudan. These issues are not all distraction, but there is no need to carry them in active thought.

If the primate crisis is that important, look into what one person can do to help. The same with the rest. If you feel it really matters to your sense of responsibility to humanity and life on Earth, make time for it and use that time as wisely as possible. Meanwhile, what is in front of you? What about your own intimate connections to people and to the world around you? Does the laundry need done? Would a loved one appreciate a visit, a phone call, an e-mail? What about right here, right now?

Spring scampers in

As we continue to wander
We keep on living, everywhere we go
Looking for a light that we can believe in
I'll start walking, with you now
--Do As Infinity

Spring is arriving little by little in my neck of the woods. The green shoots of perenniels have been popping up along my street and in my yard. One or two have bloomed. The grass will need to be cut soon. Spring is seen as the season of renewal, with Summer being the prime of life, Fall the time of diminishing, and winter the end. Yet winter is not the end. It is perpetually followed by a new Spring. Moreover, each moment is perpetually followed by a new one. It is easy to get hung up on appearances and forms--people prefer one season over another. People prefer one kind of life or phase of life over another. But circumstances are continually shifting. The seasons change. People change. Things are born, blossom, fade, die, and are born yet again. But each moment only comes once. What unique opportunities did you have the chance to experience today?

I worked on my tax forms. I've done taxes before, but never this exact set of sums and deductions. Moreover, I am not the exact same person who did the taxes before. I have more experience and patience than the previous versions of me who tried wrestling with the U.S. tax code. I wrote a little for a project I would like to resume soon dealing with the taxonomy of galagos, a group of nocturnal prosimians from Africa also known as bushbabies. I have a much better idea on how to operationalize certain aspects of the study than I did when I first looked into the matter almost two years ago, having done another similar project for my dissertation. I watched a few minutes of CNN Headline News. The stories were similar to the previous days news but I have had more time to reflect and absord additional information and my perspective on their reporting was different this time. I managed to notice details I had unconsciously ignored as irrelevant the first time I heard them. I spent time with my dogs in the sunshine and warmth of the day. They are wonderful animals and friends and I know they, like all living things, will die one day, so I choose to appreciate them while they are still here, still happy and frisky and able to really enjoy the first few sunny days of spring after months of greys skies and cold.

I saw someone post a message online today asking people to answer questions like: "Where did you come from?/Where are you going?" It occurred to me that on one level the answers would be "I was born and I will die", but since the questions seemed framed in the ultimate perspective my answer would have to be "I am neither coming nor going, I just am." Another such question was "Why are you here?" Again, I could answer in the proximate sense and talk about life, evolution, sex, and the like, but I'm sure the question was meant as before in the ultimate sense. Therefore there is only one answer--"I am here to be me."

Why are you here?