Opened the windows today

Warm sunny day, not hot, with blue skies.

I've will have lived in the same place for 14 years next month, and tape up the windows when cold weather comes. When they get un-taped varies. This year it go to freezing or below randomly early this spring so it wasn't until today that it seemed like a safe bet to swap the space heaters for fans and let the outside air in.

I've gone from a career I worked for to employment struggles to an "interesting" job in these last fourteen years and yet the annual un-taping is a milestone for each spring. Brighter, longer days are very good for me, especially since I was recently diagnosed with a vitamin D deficiency serious enough to be put on supplements by my physician indefinitely.

Questions of mystery, meaning, causality and purpose have always intrigued me but they've been hard to connect with on a real level. But a day like today, especially getting a rare chance to work from home, doesn't need philosophy or theology or science. It is enough that it is what is.

Hopefully my decades-long inner stuckness will have another chance to get less stuck, to put it in professional terms.

Be well.

May Day 2022

The year is now 2022.

This is only my sixth entry in this blog since 2014, which I suppose isn't really that surprising to me given the twists and turns my life went through just before that hiatus and everything since. I spent 1998 to 2010 on message boards with religion, spirituality, science, politics, and community as the main themes. I also read quite a lot of books and articles on related topics including new age/self help, general spirituality, general religion, Buddhism (many varieties), interfaith reflections, mysticism, and even some open-minded monastic Christianity. 

I was able to practice with a Chan-Pureland sangha for a couple of years and then later even get a little first hand experience with Christian monasticism (as a layperson) after giving a more "high church" approach a try from what, 2010-2013? (I think my last service at the nearby church was early 2014 after a bit of an absence.) Late in 2013 I had to have open heart surgery because of some random defect and enjoyed reading a Buddhist book in a hospital while waiting so some test a week or so beforehand.

(As I am writing a heavy thunderstorm has just rolled in for this Sunday evening.)

I think, though, that some of the steam that drove my interactions online wore out. The people I chatted with on the message boards largely evaporated or went on repeat in a shrinking medium. Personally, I was too far from any Buddhist stuff to participate in person and the intellectual intrigue of the re-visiting of Christianity had faded. Meanwhile, political hate with a religious mask was on the rise and my own personal situation wasn't so great as to encourage the hobby of religious or spiritual exploration, whatever the mode or medium.

Not to mention that apparently I score really low on tests that aim to measure your likelihood of having what many people call spiritual or religious experiences, even though the experiences need not be tied to either. There is an difference between having an intense hobby related to pathways of meaning and questions of human existence and actually being committed to and drawing strength and meaning from such pathways.

Of course, a healthy curiosity and well-roundedness in a variety of topics isn't a bad thing, but, it is different than actual paths of faith or seeking because you are trying to put a face or name to something that you have had a brush with. I still see many interesting, inspiring, and true things from what I read, saw, and heard in the past. That is well. I even got to see a couple of Buddhist sites in China during a business trip in the fall of 2016.

However, I don't seem to be much for community so wherever I end up at different parts of the rest of my life, I can try to appreciate them for what they are as much as what they do or don't inspire in myself. I suppose we shall see where that leads.

Have a happy Sunday and a good week.

The (not quite yet) Year of the Ox

 

Slow, steady strength

While the Gregorian calendar has us all in a new year, the lunar calendar hasn't quite gotten there yet. I have a connection to the Ox, so it's interesting to me on a personal level. Whether cosmic and natural forces work along the line of tradition or faith, such symbols still help color our human world.
 

The Ox is associated by those who dabble with Buddhism in the West with the Ox Herding Pictures, wherein the Ox is in some ways both (the concept of) Enlightenment and the Mind. Eventually, the Mind is tamed through practice and faith as the herder rides the Ox with ease and joy. Then the Ox vanishes. Then the herder vanishes. Then emptiness comes and beyond it is...

Well, anyway. Cool imagery, eh? 

Perhaps this year such imagery can help those interested in seeking their own peace and strength in the midst of the turmoil the world finds itself in.

I wish you all the best.

The end of another year (2020)

 

Winter blooms and 2020 ends.

In my location we are still not yet to 2021 at the time of this posting.

I have fixed feeling about the tradition of New Year's resolutions. They are often a form of wishful thinking that can actually depress people when the resolution fails, especially if it's made in black and white (giving up this, taking up that).

Fifteen years ago I recall a Buddhist teacher saying to a small group that the precepts cannot be broken. We can take them up or set them down. But the precepts themselves are still there waiting. The same person also compared that to the practice of staying and returning in meditation. If your mind wanders from focus, just return. No judgment. It's all a success. Just stay focused as long as you can and then return when you notice your attention has wandered.

Perhaps more New Year's resolutions would benefit those making them if they were approached in this way, whether it be losing weight or taking up a new hobby or building relationships.

This is a good time for reflection as societies are also reflecting, giving us some momentum. Also a good time to then look ahead. We can't know what will happen, but we can think about who we've been and who we want to be.

If you have any resolutions, I wish you success.

hello again

 

There is either quite a lot to say or not much at all.

This blog was much more active between 2005 and 2014. I was going to start writing more in again in 2016, then midway through the year I started a new job that took up much of my time and the political and religious environment started becoming much darker. When I logged on to write, criticism and frustration emerged.

There has been much to criticize the past four years, but I didn't want to be bitter or give an impression of bitterness to others. I also found myself just being very, very tired in many ways - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially. And, to be honest, I wasn't sure what to write beyond pointing out the hypocrisy and harm of those who substitute idolatry for faith.

When I became tinythinker many years ago, I was coming from a somewhat American fundamentalist Christian background. I had already left all of that behind and was still near the beginning of my graduate school days, studying evolutionary theory, cultures from the past and present around the world, and so much more. I started using the name for message boards back then, where I encountered some interesting Buddhists on forms otherwise full of Christian and atheists going at it. Sometimes with respect or some kind of boundaries, and sometimes not. So even before I brought my net handle to this blog, I had developed a curiosity in things like Unitarian Universalism, Buddhism, and even mystical Christianity.

I continued exploring such things to varying degrees between 2005 and 2014, as evidenced by the content from that period. But it wasn't just those thing in of themselves, though that was also intriguing, but also what they might mean for questions people tend to wrestle with and the answers that they fight over. Still, for me much of it was also self-image and construction, solving intellectual puzzles, and just finding out about different views that seemed so interesting.

Around 2010, having gotten into readings the preceding couple of years on contemplative and mystical Christianity, and with no Buddhist groups around, I tried attending a nearby church for a while. It was interesting, and I participated pretty well, but after a couple of years my curiosity and interest expired. So my attendance and participation drifted off. Still, I had been able to go beyond a lot of what I had previously experienced and known in my youth, through books and actual live services.

Which left a question.

What then?

At home in Holy Saturday

Which may sound odd.

This isn't about liking or disliking or agreeing or disagreeing with Christianity or a particular stand of its orthodoxy or orthopraxy.

This isn't about belief in Christian creeds or faith in Christian visions of divinity.

And this isn't about provoking or instigating.

It's about using imagery from a religion that has dominated western cultures for a couple of millennia and that was influential in my childhood.

But my appreciation of that imagery is very likely different than yours. Some people are bothered by that. If it bothers you, you can stop reading, get upset, or consider a different view. That choice is wholly yours. I don't feel like arguing about your reaction, however.

Of course, I didn't know the term Holy Saturday growing up. I was familiar with Easter Sunday. Didn't have much on Good Friday, either. The Holy Week schedule came in later as I learned about strands of Christianity that focused more on the liturgical calendar and rites.

But it fits me in some ways. Holy Saturday, that is. Not necessarily what other people have written about it. Maybe, depending on what they wrote. The story goes that Good Friday commemorates the crucifixion and death of Jesus Christ, while Easter Sunday commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Holy Saturday technically has a name, but it's kind of the filler day for some people. The day in between the highlights.

Or, if you focus on it, it's the day when hope dies. When you lose faith or are sorely tested. When you just don't feel like putting on the act and airs of a normal day. When you are down, depressed, tired, or at the end of your rope. When you feel disappointed or defeated. Pointless. Useless.

So naturally for Christians, Sunday morning is the big relief. The happy ending after the dark period in the story of their lives. A new chance. A renewal of hope and opportunity. And so on. When everything was at its worst, a complete reversal, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat.

I can see why that's popular. Why it resonates with so many people. Why they look forward to Easter Sunday. But it doesn't resonate with me. Not my lived experience. Not my personality. It isn't a match. Good Friday and Holy Saturday, sure. But not Sunday. It feels contrived. Forced. I don't begrudge those who find solace and hope in Easter. That's great! For them.

In the sense of renewal or passing the torch, I find a little common ground. But total and final victory? Unwavering faith and confidence in the surety of a future that is the culmination of the noblest wishes and highest good our species can imagine? Naw. That doesn't compute. The ultimate pipe dream, however various Christian imagine it, is too remote.

But picking up the pieces and carrying on after disappointment? Even with no guarantees or assurances? Hard, yes. For many, too hard. For me, too, sometimes. But it has the ring of genuineness to it. It may not be a first pick for many people, but it feels and reasons as accessible. Meaningful. True.

Whatever your take, be well.

Excerpt Only - Choosing Sides

"So if we went with familiar imagery then, would you say you see yourself as perverse -- being disruptive? Upsetting expectations? A devil scouring the details like the Accuser? 

"Or more a light of the divine? A servant of peace and understanding?"

The face across from him nodded. "Yes."

"Yes?"

Nod.

"So... what? You see yourself as playing both sides?"

The face shook. "No."

"You just said--"

"Same side."

Now it seemed certain this was some kind of mockery or joke but the serene, sincere expression lingered.

"So you're taking a side?"

Shake. "No."